Parenting and the self-awareness opportunity
First, self-awareness.
In times of distress, we have two choices. We can choose to cope with the distress or we can figure out what went wrong. Self-awareness is essential to not making old mistakes again and again and again. History only repeats itself when we forget to self-actualize and self-realize. Coping mechanisms (such as alcohol abuse) can give you short-term comfort (numb the pain). It’s not comfort that will bring you happiness (the long-term kind). It’s the discomfort of becoming aware of your distortions that will help you release them and provide long term freedom from history repeating itself.
If you did not get my point yet, its simply that “self-awareness is the key to the treasure box of inner happiness and joy”.
And now parenting.
So much can be said about parenting, parents and their parenting styles. But I shall spare you the ramble on the perfect way to parent. There isn’t one. Because each child is uniquely imperfect. Just like their parents are. So if you are looking for parenting tips and tricks, you might be simply looking for theories and opinions of other people that might not be perfect parents themselves. Do your research well.
Parenting is a tough nut to crack. We aren’t born parents. We might be highly ill-prepared to parent in situations that trigger us. But still, most parents try to do their best.
Why then do so many kids end up despising their parents? Or mocking them? And running away from them?
I have found, through analyzing my relationship with my children, that I had no idea what I was doing. But I also realized that positive change in my relationship with my kids was possible.
If I could change, so could everything else around me. But before I expected a close to perfect relationships with my children, I had to make the journey to self, myself.
SELF-AWARENESS BEFORE perfect PARENTING
Did I just drop the S bomb? Self before children? No. I did not say prioritize yourself before your kids. Of course not. Instead, learn to become self-aware before expecting yourself to become the parent you wish you’d had. Parenting is hard. So is life. If you aren’t good at life, unhappy with your job, have less than ideal relationships and drink too much wine… how can you even hope to create happy relationships with your kids?
Children need love. But not the kind of love that is self-sacrificial in essence. They need love that’s pure – the confident kind. I used to think that I have to sacrifice my happiness for my kids. I was wrong. I have learnt that I have to embrace my happiness and purpose so my kids have a role model to look up to and not run away from.
Over the years my relationship with my kids has improved. Because, my relationship with myself has improved. I no longer blame myself for all the things that happened in my past. I no longer shame myself for the extra weight I carry. And I no longer punish myself for failing at life.
Instead I embrace mistakes as learning opportunities. I make sure my kids do not see me as a super human parent either. They now see me as an imperfect person who is full of love and respect for herself. They have seen me transform into a more awakened being. And they support my journey to self by giving me the time and space to advance my personal growth practice.
understanding the impact of self-awareness on parenting and kids
When you become self-aware, you give permission to your kids to follow suit. For example, when I meditate, my kids understand that they can do the same for themselves. They know that they are allowed to spend time to improve themselves at a much deeper level. And that is true empowerment.
Self-awareness results in positive parenting because self-analysis leads us to understand why we behave the way we do. And when we recognize the patterns that are keeping us stuck, angry and frustrated, we can do something (at a conscious level) to break them.
A few years ago, my go to tactic for getting my kids to listen to me was to yell at them. I did not realize, at the time, that they were also picking up the same style of communication. My kids understood that life could be harsh, especially if they did not abide by authority. By yelling at them, I was slowly taking their power, of saying no, away from them.
After I got hit with an illness, unable to work and unable to hide behind the stress of work, I was forced to face the truth about my own parenting style.
Simply put, my parenting style was not working. And it was affecting their confidence level.
This time, instead of blaming myself, I decided to understand and analyze why I liked to resort to yelling instead of listening to them.
What I realized after many long walks, alone, regular journaling and meditations, was that, I was angry at life. And I was taking it out on little people that did not have the guts to yell back at me. They had become victims of life, just like I had.
This realization helped me start a self-awareness practice to heal myself from my past so I could be completely available and present for myself and my kids in the future. It took some time (about three years and some) but it worked!!
I have never been more at peace with myself. And my kids have never been this open, transparent, honest and full of joy. As a family, we have all adopted simple rituals to practice self-awareness. We communicate (most of the time, we are not perfect. yet 😉 ) with love. And we respect each other’s boundaries. The love we have for each other is purer because we are purer, within.
And my self-awareness practice is the only reason I am sitting here, able to write this post with love and compassion for all parents that are struggling with being the best that they can be.
Parenting as a mirror for self-growth
Parenting provides a unique opportunity to grow and advance the ‘self’. I realized about one year into my self-realization journey that the unique challenges my children gift me everyday – are the challenges that I am personally dealing with on so many levels.
Many parents have a common complaint about their kids not listening to them. Well, charity begins at home. So those same parents can ask themselves if they are listening to to their kids when they speak. This approach to parenting leads to a two sided conversation between a parent and a child. And when parents consistently listen to kids speak, they tend to reciprocate. Or maybe, the child might be hiding their true feelings behind being dismissive of the parent. This creates an opportunity for an open and honest conversation about emotions and feelings the child is going through.
The added benefit of this approach of parenting is that the lessons parents learn through their child will benefit the parent in many other facets of life.
Children often mirror patterns that the parent might be struggling with. The lives of children offer hints to parents about the patterns they need to shift to live a more fulfilling life.
Even though, its imperative to seek professional help (such as therapy) when it comes to matters of raising a child, there is a lot a parent can do at home to create a harmonious and balanced environment for the child to flourish.
